Betrayal and Treachery – Killing A Relationship The Fast Way

Not every ruined relationship dies a slow and agonizing death of ongoing abuse, relentless criticism, continual manipulation, or stubborn iron-fisted control. Such relationships can take years, if not decades, to be permanently damaged, usually because of our life-long patience and tolerance of mistreatment, until we finally say “enough is enough!”

But other relationships are murdered the fast way – by betrayal and treachery. The surest way to destroy any relationship, including relationships which have always been good, is to destroy the trust. I don’t usually have many requirements for my relationships, but loyalty is number one. I give unswerving loyalty to my friends, and that’s what I expect in return. Call me crazy, but once someone I loved and trusted stabs me in the back, the honeymoon is pretty much over.

One problem caused by the treachery of a loved one is that you thought you knew this person, and now you see you didn’t know her at all. You thought she was wonderful – now disillusionment sets in – and in a big way. Not only does your relative have a character-flaw – she has a major one – probably THE major one. She can’t be trusted. She has no loyalty. She has no honor or integrity. She is a traitor – a Benedict Arnold, a Brutus to your Caesar, you very own personal Judas.

The Scriptures are full of stories of betrayal, the terrible harm it causes, and the scorn reserved for such wicked people. The Lord will see to it that each traitor is punished, as he always has throughout history:

Proverbs 17:13

KJV ¹³ Whoso rewardeth evil for good, evil shall not depart from his house. CEV ¹³ You will always have trouble if you are mean to those who are good to you.

Even our wonderful Father is not immune from the sting of disloyalty. Almost the entire Old Testament is one, long, disheartening account of the Jews betraying the Lord by turning from him and worshipping false gods over and over again. No matter how good the Lord was to them, no matter how much he provided for them, or how many times he helped them or saved them from their enemies, they had no gratitude, and betrayed him again and again. And again and again, the Lord was vexed greatly and punished the children of Israel. But they never learned. Only after bringing all sorts of calamities upon their own heads would they repent – only to turn their backs on the Lord all over again as soon as he forgave them. Our Father understands our pain and heartbreak because he himself has experienced it many times over.

Traitors are acknowledged as a special kind of low-life all over the world, worthy only of scorn and contempt. Traitors were put to death in the Bible:

Esther 2:21-23

KJV ²¹ In those days, while Mordecai sat in the king's gate, two of the king's chamberlains, Bigthan and Teresh, of those which kept the door, were wroth, and sought to lay hands on the king Ahasuerus. ²² And the thing was known to Mordecai, who told it unto Esther the queen; and Esther certified the king thereof in Mordecai's name. ²³ And when inquisition was made of the matter, it was found out; therefore they were both hanged on a tree: and it was written in the book of the chronicles before the king. CEV ²¹ Bigthana and Teresh were the two men who guarded King Xerxes' rooms, but they got angry with the king and decided to kill him. ²² Mordecai found out about their plans and asked Queen Esther to tell the king what he had found out. ²³ King Xerxes learned that Mordecai’s report was true, and he had the two men hanged. Then the king had all of this written down in his record book as he watched.

Esther 7:9-10

KJV ⁹ And Harbonah, one of the chamberlains, said before the king, Behold also, the gallows fifty cubits high, which Haman had made for Mordecai, who spoken good for the king, standeth in the house of Haman. Then the king said, Hang him thereon. ¹⁰ So they hanged Haman on the gallows that he had prepared for Mordecai. Then was the king's wrath pacified. CEV ⁹ Then Harbona, one of the king’s personal servants, said, “Your Majesty, Haman built a tower seventy-five feet high beside his house, so he could hang Mordecai on it. And Mordecai is the very one who spoke up and saved your life.” “Hang Haman from his own tower!” the king commanded. ¹⁰ Right away, Haman was hanged on the tower he had built to hang Mordecai, and the king calmed down.

Most countries reserve the death penalty for traitors – right along with murderers. And no one has a shred of sympathy for them. For the most part, citizens don’t bat an eye at putting traitors to death – they know it is the only way to insure the safety of everyone else.

After Judas betrayed Jesus, his own conscience bothered him so much that he tried to undo the damage he had done:

Matthew 27:3-5

KJV ³ Then Judas, which had betrayed him, when he saw that he was condemned, repented himself, and brought again the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and elders, ⁴ Saying, I have sinned in that I have betrayed the innocent blood. And they said, What is that to us? see thou to that. ⁵ And he cast down the pieces of silver in the temple, and departed, and went and hanged himself. CEV ³ Judas had betrayed Jesus, but when he learned that Jesus had been sentenced to death, he was sorry for what he had done. He returned the thirty silver coins to the chief priests and leaders ⁴ and said, “I have sinned by betraying a man who has never done anything wrong.” “So what? That’s your problem,” they replied. ⁵ Judas threw the money into the temple and then went out and hanged himself.

Unfortunately, that will rarely be the case with our traitors. They will lie, deny, twist what really happened, minimize their actions, try to convince us that we misunderstood, or that their treachery was justified in some way, but they will almost never be accountable, apologize, and do whatever they can to restore our trust in them.

Sometimes they are embarrassed that they were caught and figure denial is their best bet to still be able to save face. Sometimes they realize that damaged or destroyed trust takes years of time and effort to repair, and they don’t want to be bothered. Because restoring trust is a long and daunting task, and also sometimes because their pride stands in the way, they just don’t want to go through the effort of proving themselves. But proving themselves over time is the only way we will ever be able to trust them again. It just adds insult to injury when we realize they don’t care enough about us to even try and rebuild our trust.

Our first reaction to disloyalty or treachery will be complete shock. We may find ourselves having trouble believing that someone we love actually repaid our love with a betrayal. It is almost impossible to comprehend that a person we were loyal to and stuck up for all our lives is totally disloyal to us. But after the shock wears off, we are left with the feeling that the relationship is damaged beyond repair and will never be the same because there is no more trust. And that may very well be the case, depending on the steps the traitor is willing to take to restore that lost trust. Unfortunately, in most cases, once the trust has been destroyed, the relationship will never be the same.

Treachery hurts in a deep and profound way because we always thought we could relax and be ourselves around our family. We thought we could share anything and everything with them. We never realized we had to be on guard around certain relatives, and now that we do realize it, we may find ourselves preferring to avoid them rather than have to censor our interactions with them and the information we allow them to have.

Our Judas has seen us when we were vulnerable, at our lowest or weakest moments, and we were always okay with that because we assumed she loved us and supported us. We thought our secrets and our innermost thoughts were safe with her. We thought we could TRUST her.

But now we know differently, and suddenly it becomes dangerous to appear weak or vulnerable in front of her. We can no longer share our hearts with her. It is risky to let her know what we are really thinking or feeling. We know we can no longer relax and be ourselves in her presence. For the first time in our lives, we realize we have to be CAREFUL around this person, and can no longer be completely open and honest. This puts a serious crimp in our relationship. In this way, her betrayal and dishonesty in misleading us into believing she was someone she isn’t, now forces us into a position of being dishonest with her as well – about our feelings, our lives, or anything else we need to keep from her in order to protect ourselves.

Through her betrayal, a person whom we once thought of as a safe haven for us, has now become dangerous. All of a sudden, we need to protect ourselves and our loved ones from her, because she is no longer safe, but a threat to our well-being. Nothing shakes your confidence in someone more than finding out you can’t trust him. The first time you realize your relative would actually do you harm if the opportunity presented itself, and indeed, may have already done you irreparable harm, is a real eye-opener.

If our Judas is sincerely remorseful and willing to devote the time it will take to rebuild our trust, there is a possibility for forgiveness and a restored relationship down the line. But if there is no accountability and repentance, the wounds inflicted upon us will take much longer to heal, and may have far-reaching effects on our ability to trust others.

Most of us find it far too exhausting and draining to be constantly on guard around someone whom we know to be untrustworthy, deceitful, or dishonorable. My personal opinion is that such people are dangerous and will always be dangerous, and that the only way to be safe is to stay as far away from them as possible. This is precisely the type of situation referred to in the Bible, when we are taught to have nothing to do with someone who will not repent after being rebuked:

Titus 3:10

KJV ¹⁰ A man that is an heretick after the first and second admonition reject; CEV ¹⁰ Warn troublemakers once or twice. Then don’t have anything else to do with them.

Matthew 18:15-17

KJV ¹⁵ Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. ¹⁶ But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. ¹⁷ And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican. CEV ¹⁵ If one of my followers sins against you, go and point out what was wrong. But do it in private, just between the two of you. If that person listens, you have won back a follower. ¹⁶ But if that one refuses to listen, take along one or two others. The Scriptures teach that every complaint must be proven true by two or more witnesses. ¹⁷ If the follower refuses to listen to them, report the matter to the church. Anyone who refuses to listen to the church must be treated like an unbeliever or a tax collector.

2 Timothy 3:4-5

KJV ⁴ Traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God; ⁵ Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away. CEV ⁴ They will be sneaky, reckless, and puffed up with pride. Instead of loving God, they will love pleasure. ⁵ Even though they will make a show of being religious, their religion won’t be real. Don’t have anything to do with such people.

The Lord instructs us to protect ourselves from those who would do us harm.

Betrayal comes in many forms, and in all shapes and sizes. Here are some examples of treachery and disloyalty that we ourselves have experienced, or heard about from others:

Badmouthing you or gossiping about you to others
Lying about you
Lying to you, deceiving you, misleading you.
Revealing a secret
One parent not protecting you from the abuse of the other parent
One sibling having an affair with the other sibling’s spouse
Turning someone against you, or trying to turn someone against you
Sabotaging a job opportunity for you
Sabotaging another relationship for you
Taking an enemy’s side against you
Using something she knows about you, or a past hurt you have told her about, against you.
Revealing personal information
Stealing from you (money or material possessions, but also friends, husbands, boyfriends, etc.)
Deliberately hurting you
Complaining about you to others
Giving information about you to a rival or an enemy, passing on any information to anyone that she knows does not get along with you.
Sneaking behind your back to do anything except throw you a surprise party
Any kind of emotional blackmail, such as shunning or disowning you, or threatening to, because you are not doing what she wants you to do.
Meddling in any situation in your life without your permission – or worse, without your knowledge.
Trying to influence you to do anything that would be to your detriment.
Trying to force, pressure, or manipulate you to do anything you don’t want to do, or are uncomfortable about.
Instigating you to fight with or leave someone you love, or to leave a job you love, a career you love, a home you love, etc.
Expecting you to lie, cover – up, or go against your conscience
Discrediting you when you speak the truth about anything, including someone else’s evil or abusive behavior
Disrespecting your privacy, snooping, etc.
spying on you for someone else, probing for information which she will then pass along.
Pressuring you or expecting you to tolerate abuse
Behaving in any way that is against your best interests
Endangering you, your children, or your loved ones, or exposing any of you to an evil person.
Being dishonest with you
Hiding something from you.
Falsely accusing you
Exploiting or using you
Befriending your enemies, or making a point of befriending your ex-friends or ex-lovers.
Insisting on keeping in touch with people who are no longer speaking to you, and with whom she has no connection other than knowing them through you.
Sacrificing you for her own selfish purposes, such as exposing you to an abusive person she chooses to stay with. we know several cases of mothers who are still married, decades later, to husbands who raped their children.
Defending one who has done harm to you.
Minimizing your feelings or criticizing you for not “getting over it” immediately when she or someone else has hurt you.
Not supporting you when a wrong has been done to you.
Here’s an interesting one – copying everything you do, including flirting with your boyfriend, or trying to make your friends her friends by calling them without including you – as if she was trying to take over your whole life.

These are just some examples of back-stabbing behavior. There are many, many more examples out there.

Friend, if you have been stabbed in the back by one you love, the first step, as always, is to rebuke . If your Judas is remorseful, makes amends, and changes her ways, over time you may be able to trust her again. Take all the time you need, and let her pay the Natural Consequences of her behavior by proving herself to you. Don’t give away your trust cheaply – and don’t trust her again until she has proven she can be trusted. If she does not repent and continues to be untrustworthy, do whatever you have to do to protect yourself and your loved ones from her. The best way to insure your safety with a Judas is to have nothing further to do with her:

Titus 3:10

KJV ¹⁰ A man that is an heretick after the first and second admonition reject; CEV ¹⁰ Warn troublemakers once or twice. Then don’t have anything else to do with them.

2 Timothy 3:4-5

KJV ⁴ Traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God; ⁵ Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away. CEV ⁴ They will be sneaky, reckless, and puffed up with pride. Instead of loving God, they will love pleasure. ⁵ Even though they will make a show of being religious, their religion won’t be real. Don’t have anything to do with such people.

If you continue to allow someone who cannot be trusted to be in your life, you will constantly be giving her new ammunition with which to do you harm.

Jeremiah 9:4-9

KJV ⁴ Take ye heed every one of his neighbour, and trust ye not in any brother: for every brother will utterly supplant, and every neighbour will walk with slanders. ⁵ And they will deceive every one his neighbour, and will not speak the truth: they have taught their tongue to speak lies, and weary themselves to commit iniquity. ⁶ Thine habitation is in the midst of deceit; through deceit they refuse to know me, saith the Lord. ⁷ Therefore thus saith the Lord of hosts, Behold, I will melt them, and try them; for how shall I do for the daughter of my people? ⁸ Their tongue is as an arrow shot out; it speaketh deceit: one speaketh peaceably to his neighbour with his mouth, but in heart he layeth his wait. ⁹ Shall I not visit them for these things? saith the Lord: shall not my soul be avenged on such a nation as this? CEV ⁴ Jeremiah, all your friends and relatives tell lies about you, so don’t trust them. ⁵ They wear themselves out, always looking for a new way to cheat their friends. ⁶ Everyone takes advantage of everyone else, and no one will admit that I am God. ⁷ And so I will purify the hearts of my people just as gold is purified in a furnace. I have no other choice. ⁸ They say they want peace, but this lie is deadly, like an arrow that strikes when you least expect it. ⁹ Give me one good reason not to punish them as they deserve. I, the Lord All-Powerful, have spoken.

Jeremiah 12:6

KJV ⁶ For even thy brethren, and the house of thy father, even they have dealt treacherously with thee; yea, they have called a multitude after thee: believe them not, though they speak fair words unto thee. CEV ⁶ Even your own family has turned against you. They act friendly, but don’t trust them. They’re out to get you, and so is everyone else.

Micah 7:2-7

KJV ² The good man is perished out of the earth: and there is none upright among men: they all lie in wait for blood; they hunt every man his brother with a net. ³ That they may do evil with both hands earnestly, the prince asketh, and the judge asketh for a reward; and the great man, he uttereth his mischievous desire: so they wrap it up. ⁴ The best of them is as a brier: the most upright is sharper than a thorn hedge: the day of thy watchmen and thy visitation cometh; now shall be their perplexity. ⁵ Trust ye not in a friend, put ye not confidence in a guide: keep the doors of thy mouth from her that lieth in thy bosom. ⁶ For the son dishonoureth the father, the daughter riseth up against her mother, the daughter in law against her mother in law; a man's enemies are the men of his own house. ⁷ Therefore I will look unto the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation: my God will hear me. CEV ² No one is loyal to God; no one does right. Everyone is brutal and eager to deceive everyone else. ³ People cooperate to commit crime. Judges and leaders demand bribes, and rulers cheat in court. ⁴ The most honest of them is worse than a thorn patch. Your doom has come! Lookouts sound the warning, and everyone panics. ⁵ Don’t trust anyone, not even your best friend, and be careful what you say to the one you love. ⁶ Sons refuse to respect their own fathers, daughters rebel against their own mothers, and daughters-in-law despise their mothers-in-law. Your family is now your enemy. ⁷ But I trust the Lord God to save me, and I will wait for him to answer my prayer.